Emotional intelligence in the workplace: 20 examples and 12 team activities
What it means at work, what it looks like in real situations and how a team can practice it. Plus interview questions for HR and a five-day plan.
Emotional intelligence in the workplace is the skill of noticing emotions, your own and other people’s, and using what you notice to work well together. It is the difference between a manager who fires back at a tense email and one who sleeps on it, or a teammate who spots a struggling colleague before the deadline slips. This guide explains the five components, gives 20 examples from everyday work, lists the signs of low emotional intelligence on a team and offers 12 activities with debrief questions. It closes with phrases for managers, interview questions for HR and a plan to practice this week.
What is emotional intelligence in the workplace?
Psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer set out the first formal model of emotional intelligence in a 1990 paper, describing it as the ability to monitor your own and other people’s feelings, tell them apart and use that to guide your thinking and actions. Psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman made it famous with his 1995 book Emotional Intelligence, then applied it to work in his 1998 book Working with Emotional Intelligence and the Harvard Business Review article “What Makes a Leader?”. The five components he named there are still the best-known way to talk about it at work:
1. Self-awareness
Knowing what you feel, why, and how it affects your work and the people around you.
Sounds like: “I'm frustrated about the delay, so I'll wait before I answer.”
2. Self-regulation
Managing impulses and moods, so you think before you act.
Sounds like: “Let me sleep on this and reply in the morning.”
3. Motivation
Drive that comes from the work itself, not only pay or status, and that survives setbacks.
Sounds like: “That didn't land. What would make the next version better?”
4. Empathy
Understanding how other people feel and see things, and taking it into account.
Sounds like: “This deadline lands in your busiest week. What would make it workable?”
5. Social skills
Managing relationships: building rapport, persuading, handling conflict and leading change.
Sounds like: “You two want the same outcome. Let's start from that.”
20 examples of emotional intelligence in the workplace
Four for each component. Each is a common situation and the emotionally intelligent move, the thing a person with these skills tends to do.
Self-awareness
- A project lead notices she snaps at questions late in the day.The move: She moves decision-heavy meetings to the morning and tells the team why.
- An engineer gets defensive in every code review.The move: He tells his reviewer: "I get prickly about this part. Call it out if I start arguing instead of listening."
- A new manager realizes she keeps putting off critical feedback.The move: She writes her two hardest messages first thing Monday, before she can find a reason to wait.
- A sales rep feels anxious before a big pitch.The move: He names it to himself as nerves, not a bad plan, and runs the opening twice with a colleague.
Self-regulation
- A client sends a rude email at 6 p.m.The move: The account manager drafts a reply, saves it and sends a calmer version in the morning.
- A manager's idea gets shot down in a meeting.The move: He asks "What would it take to make this work?" instead of defending it line by line.
- A deadline moves up a week without warning.The move: The team lead takes ten minutes to plan before telling the team, so she brings a plan, not panic.
- A colleague presents shared work as his own in a meeting.The move: She raises it with him privately that afternoon, calmly and specifically, instead of correcting him in front of everyone.
Motivation
- A designer's concept is turned down for the third time.The move: She asks what the client is really reacting to and comes back with one sharper option.
- A support agent answers the same question many times a day.The move: He writes a help article so the next customer can find the answer alone.
- A team misses its quarterly target.The move: The manager opens the review with what they learned and one thing to change, not with who is to blame.
- An analyst finishes a project a day early.The move: She spends the spare time learning a skill her team keeps paying contractors for.
Empathy
- A usually upbeat teammate goes quiet for a week.The move: His manager asks privately: "You've seemed quieter lately. Is there anything I can take off your plate?"
- A customer is furious about a late order.The move: The rep acknowledges what the delay cost them before explaining what went wrong.
- A remote colleague keeps missing the afternoon meeting.The move: The lead asks what time works and learns the meeting starts at 6 p.m. where she lives.
- Two departments blame each other for a failed launch.The move: A facilitator asks each side to explain the other's view until the other side agrees it's accurate.
Social skills
- A manager needs the team to adopt a tool nobody wants.The move: She asks the two biggest skeptics to run the pilot and shape the rollout.
- Two voices dominate every meeting.The move: The chair says "Let's hear from people who haven't spoken yet" and waits through the silence.
- A new hire is struggling to find her place on the team.The move: A teammate invites her to the weekly project lunch and introduces her to the person she'll work with most.
- A tense disagreement stalls a decision.The move: The lead sums up both positions fairly, names what they agree on and proposes a two-week test.
Signs of low emotional intelligence on a team
Look for patterns in how the team behaves, not labels for individual people. Two or three of these showing up every week is worth working on:
- Feedback gets an argument or silence, rarely a question.
- Small frustrations blow up in chat threads.
- People find out a colleague was overwhelmed only when they resign.
- The same two or three voices fill every meeting.
- Mistakes get hidden or pinned on someone else.
- The manager's mood sets the mood for the whole week.
- People complain about each other to a third person instead of talking directly.
- Wins pass without anyone noticing or saying thanks.
Several of these overlap with how a team handles disagreement. Our conflict resolution activities give a team a safe way to practice the hard conversations.
12 emotional intelligence activities for teams
Each emotional intelligence activity takes 30 minutes or less and ends with two debrief questions. Run one a week at the start of a team meeting. Numbered straight through, so a facilitator can say number 7.
Self-awareness and self-regulation activities
Noticing your own reactions, and putting a gap between the feeling and what you do next. Everything people write stays private unless they choose to share it.
1. Trigger map
Builds: Knowing what sets you off before it does.
20 minutes · Any size · Paper and a pen each · works on video
- Each person lists three work situations that reliably irritate or unsettle them, like being interrupted or getting a vague request.
- Next to each, write your usual first reaction and the reaction you would prefer.
- In pairs, share one situation and describe the first sign, in your body or your words, that it is happening.
- Each person picks one situation to practice the preferred reaction on this week.
Debrief
- Which trigger turned out to be shared by more people than you expected?
- What will you do in the first ten seconds the next time it happens?
2. Hot email rewrite
Builds: Putting a gap between the feeling and the reply.
20 minutes · Any size · A made-up irritating email, shared on screen or printed · works on video
- Share a fictional email that is designed to irritate, such as a client blaming your team for their own late input.
- Everyone writes the reply they would love to send, in two minutes, and keeps it to themselves.
- Talk about something else for ten minutes, then everyone writes the reply they would actually send.
- Pairs compare their second drafts and pick the best line from each.
Debrief
- What changed between your first draft and your second?
- How long a gap do you need before answering a message that stings?
3. Feedback that stung
Builds: Learning how you react to criticism, and what helps you take it in.
25 minutes · Pairs · Paper and a pen each · works on video
- Each person recalls a piece of work feedback that stung, from any job.
- Write three lines: what was said, what you felt and what you did next.
- Add a fourth line: what you would do with the same feedback today.
- Share with your partner as much as you choose.
Debrief
- What made that feedback hard to hear: the content, the timing or the way it was said?
- What can a colleague do that makes criticism easier for you to take in?
4. Five-part self-rating
Builds: Comparing how you see yourself with how a colleague sees you.
30 minutes · Pairs who work together closely and both opt in · Paper and a pen each · works on video
- Each person privately rates themselves from 1 to 5 on the five components: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.
- Each also rates their partner on the same five.
- Swap and talk through any gap of two points or more, starting with the biggest.
- Each person picks one component to work on and one habit to try for a month.
Debrief
- Where did your partner see you more generously than you see yourself?
- Which rating would you most like to change in three months?
Empathy activities
Seeing work from a colleague's or a customer's side. These use work situations, never personal ones.
5. Their hardest hour
Builds: Seeing a teammate's week from their side.
20 minutes · Pairs who don't work closely · No materials · works on video
- Each person shows their partner last week's calendar or task list.
- The partner guesses which hour was the hardest, and why.
- The owner says whether the guess was right and what made that hour hard.
- Swap, then each names one thing they could do to make the other's hardest hour easier.
Debrief
- What surprised you about your partner's week?
- What do we ask of each other that is harder than we realize?
6. Feelings behind the complaint
Builds: Hearing the need under an angry message.
20 minutes · Groups of 3 to 5 · Three complaints from customers or colleagues, made up or with every name removed · works on video
- Read the first complaint aloud.
- The group lists the feelings behind it, then the need behind those feelings, such as wanting to be kept informed.
- Write a reply that answers the need before it gets to the facts.
- Repeat with the other two complaints.
Debrief
- Which complaint read differently once you had named the need?
- Where do we answer with facts when people first want to be heard?
7. Same words, three moods
Builds: Reading tone, not just words.
15 minutes · 4 to 20 people · No materials · works on video
- Write a neutral work sentence where everyone can see it, such as "Can we talk about the report later?"
- A volunteer says it three times, each in a mood they pick secretly: worried, annoyed, rushed or excited.
- After each one, the group guesses the mood and says how they would respond to it.
- Swap volunteers and sentences twice.
Debrief
- Which mood was hardest to read, and why?
- What do we lose when the same sentence arrives as a text message?
8. What people get wrong about my job
Builds: Understanding the parts of each other's work nobody sees.
25 minutes · 4 to 12 people · No materials · works on video
- Each person finishes two sentences: People think my job is mostly ___. Actually, the hardest part is ___.
- Go around the group, one minute each.
- Listeners may ask one question each, about the work.
- Close by naming one thing the team will do differently now that it knows.
Debrief
- Whose answer will change how you work with them?
- What part of your own job do you wish people asked about?
Social skills activities
Using what you notice to work better together: responding to good news, choosing where to say things, reading a room and winning people over.
9. Good news responses
Builds: Answering a colleague's good news in a way that builds the relationship.
15 minutes · Groups of 3 · No materials · works on video
- Explain four ways people respond to good news, from psychologist Shelly Gable's research: enthusiastic and curious, quietly supportive, pointing out the downside, or changing the subject.
- One person shares a small work win. The second responds in one of the four ways, picked at random, and the third guesses which.
- Rotate until everyone has shared and responded.
- Finish with everyone practicing the enthusiastic, curious response with one follow-up question.
Debrief
- Which response felt worst to receive, even though it was polite?
- Which of the four do you fall back on when you're busy?
10. Public or private?
Builds: Knowing which conversations belong in the open.
15 minutes · 4 to 20 people · Ten short work messages on cards or a shared slide · works on video
- Hand out ten short messages, such as praise for a launch, a missed deadline, a question about a decision or a correction to someone's numbers.
- Small groups sort each into three piles: say it in public, say it in private, or it depends.
- Groups compare piles and argue out the it depends pile.
- Agree on the team's rule of thumb and write it down.
Debrief
- Which message split the groups most?
- When has a public correction cost us more than it fixed?
11. Read the room
Builds: Noticing how a group feels, and checking instead of assuming.
5 minutes at the end of a meeting · 4 to 15 people · No materials · works on video
- At the end of a real meeting, a volunteer describes the mood they noticed in one or two words.
- They name one moment that shaped it, such as the energy dropping when the deadline came up.
- Everyone else says in one word whether they agree.
- Rotate the volunteer every meeting for a month.
Debrief
- How often did the volunteer's read match the room's?
- What signs do we miss on video that we would catch in person?
12. Stakeholder shoes
Builds: Winning people over by starting from what they care about.
30 minutes · Groups of 3 to 5 · A real proposal the team wants to make · works on video
- Pick a real proposal, such as a new process or a budget request.
- List the four to six people whose support it needs.
- For each, write what they care about most and what would worry them about the proposal.
- Rewrite the opening of the pitch for the hardest person to win over, starting from their concern.
Debrief
- Whose concern had you not considered before?
- How does the pitch change when it starts from their side?
For more listening and speaking practice, see our active listening activities and communication activities. This page leaves those exercises out.
How managers build emotional intelligence on a team
Teams copy what the manager does far more than what the manager says. Six habits to model:
- Name your own state. "I'm running on little sleep today, so tell me if I'm short with you." It gives people permission to do the same.
- Pause before reacting. One breath, or one night for anything written in anger. Most regrettable replies are fast ones.
- Ask before assuming. When someone is late or terse, ask what's going on before deciding why.
- Notice the quiet ones. A drop in someone's energy is information. Check in privately, without pushing.
- Separate the person from the problem. Talk about what happened and what it affected, not about what kind of person did it.
- Follow up after hard conversations. A short note the next day ("thanks for hearing me out yesterday") keeps a tough talk from becoming a grudge.
Phrases to swap in
Original wording to borrow. Say it your own way.
- Instead of “Calm down.”Try “This clearly matters to you. Walk me through it.”
- Instead of “It's not a big deal.”Try “It sounds like this is weighing on you. What would help?”
- Instead of “Why did you do that?”Try “What were you weighing when you made that call?”
- Instead of “Great job.”Try “The way you handled the client's questions on Tuesday kept the deal alive.”
- Instead of “Any questions?”Try “What's unclear or worrying about this?”
- Instead of “Fine, whatever you think.”Try “I'm not sure yet. Can I come back to you by tomorrow?”
- Instead of “We've always done it this way.”Try “What would you change if it were up to you?”
Emotional intelligence sits underneath most of the qualities of a good leader, and it is how trust gets built day to day: our guide to building trust in the workplace has a 30-day plan for new managers.
Emotional intelligence in HR and hiring
In HR, emotional intelligence comes up most in hiring, manager training and performance conversations. For interviews, behavioral questions work better than asking candidates to rate themselves. Ten to adapt:
- Tell me about feedback you disagreed with. What did you do next?Listen for: Self-awareness and self-regulation: did they listen, check it and respond calmly?
- Describe a day at work when you came close to losing your temper.Listen for: Honesty about a real moment, and what they did to stay in control.
- Tell me about a colleague you found hard to work with. How did it look from their side?Listen for: Empathy: can they describe the other person's view fairly?
- What kind of situation at work drains you, and how do you handle it?Listen for: Self-awareness: specific triggers and specific coping habits.
- Tell me about a time you noticed a teammate was struggling before they said anything.Listen for: Empathy in action: what they noticed and what they did about it.
- Describe a project that went badly. What was your part in it?Listen for: Ownership without blaming others or beating themselves up.
- Tell me about a time you won over someone who disagreed with you.Listen for: Social skills: listening first, then persuading.
- When did you last change your mind at work, and what changed it?Listen for: Openness to other views and to new information.
- Tell me about a goal you kept working toward after a setback.Listen for: Motivation that survives a bad week.
- How would your last team describe you on a stressful day?Listen for: Self-awareness about how they come across under pressure.
Ask every candidate the same questions, decide before the interviews what a strong answer includes, and push for specifics: what did you say, and what happened next? If you use an emotional intelligence test, treat it as one input among several and check it with your HR or legal team first.
Practice emotional intelligence at work this week
One small habit a day, about five minutes each. Do it alone, or share the plan with your team and compare notes on Friday.
| Day | What to do |
|---|---|
| MondayName it | Three times today, put a precise word on what you feel. Not fine or busy: rushed, stuck, relieved, proud. |
| TuesdayPause once | Pick one message that bothers you and wait an hour before you reply. |
| WednesdayAsk and listen | Ask one teammate about the hardest part of their week, then listen without offering a fix. |
| ThursdayCelebrate well | When someone shares good news, ask a real follow-up question about it. |
| FridayAsk for a read | Ask one person how you came across this week, and only say thank you. |
Want an expert to talk to your team about emotional intelligence?
Fostering Emotional Intelligence is a live 60-minute talk by board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Ellen Vora on self-awareness, empathy and handling stress. It is an expert talk, not a hands-on workshop, so pair it with the activities above for practice. It runs on Zoom by default; book about 2 weeks ahead. Our mental health workshops include her talks on burnout and mental health, or you can get a free quote.
The talk, with its live price:
